There's a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of lego pieces. I'm just wondering if I'm gonna sh*t a brick tomorrow..
When going through airport customs and you are asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "why, what do you need?"
I just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes and I still think you're a douchebag.
Do ducks play "me, me, goose"?
Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted Most Likely to Secede.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.
If you don't own a dog whistle you can use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
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