Even more statuses

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.


I spent all day at work staring at my phone. Now it's time for me to go home and stare my phone. But with the TV on.


If you breakdance you buy dance.


I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.


I drink 8 glasses of water a day, but only after they've been heated, filtered through a Keurig pod full of grounds & poured into a mug.


The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.


"You're still a rockstar" I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and get in bed at 9:45.


I enjoy shopping online because at least I don't have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.


French toast is regular toast that surrendered.

Halloween Statuses

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah's Witnesses wondering why they're being given candy.

I'm not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your candy while you were in the bathroom.

When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.

Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me "for safe keeping".

I thought about dressing up as Turn Signal for Halloween, but nobody around here knows what that is............

Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.

I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.

For Halloween I'm going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.