“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey
“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”
― André Gide, Autumn Leaves
“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”
― Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
― Maya Angelou
“When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you're not here, I can't go to sleep.
Praise God for those two insomnias!
And the difference between them.”
― Rumi
“Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.”
― Mitch Albom
“When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.”
― Arrigo Boito
“He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights
“For the two of us, home isn't a place. It is a person. And we are finally home.”
― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Christmas Status Updates
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I'm going to need those back.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it down is an art.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Status- November 2015
Ever notice how it's never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
The streets aren't for everybody, that's why they made sidewalks.
Sometimes I mix the chicken & shrimp seasoning in ramen noodles & pretend I'm eating some hybrid mythical creature. Helps me forget I'm poor.
Beggin'Strips: Stop pretending dogs don't know it's not bacon. They smell cocaine in a cooch across an airport; I'm sure they know NOT bacon.
Guys who carry their wives purses just want to be closer to their balls.
Tetris taught me that trying to fit in will make you disappear.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne's father shouldn't have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you'll get what you want.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
The streets aren't for everybody, that's why they made sidewalks.
Sometimes I mix the chicken & shrimp seasoning in ramen noodles & pretend I'm eating some hybrid mythical creature. Helps me forget I'm poor.
Beggin'Strips: Stop pretending dogs don't know it's not bacon. They smell cocaine in a cooch across an airport; I'm sure they know NOT bacon.
Guys who carry their wives purses just want to be closer to their balls.
Tetris taught me that trying to fit in will make you disappear.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne's father shouldn't have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you'll get what you want.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Thanksgiving Status Updates- Funny
Thanksgiving is the time of year when we all gather together and give thanks that we don't have to be around this bunch of assholes but once a year.
So Thanksgiving is about being grateful, well I'm grateful for you bastards liking my posts. Does that count?
Isn't it ironic that a turkey goes gobble gobble, and on Thanksgiving that's what we do to them?
I'm kind of shocked turkeys live as long as they do with those pop-up timers lodged in their chests.
Turkey Stuffing? Ain’t nobody got thyme for that!
Some of us live thousands of miles away from our families and don’t get to be with them during the Holidays. Jealous?
Having a small, quiet family dinner for Thanksgiving. Small, quiet families are easier to eat than large loud ones.
Who wants to put on a bear costume and tear apart the tents of people camping outside a Best Buy for Black Friday?
Monday, October 26, 2015
Even more statuses
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I spent all day at work staring at my phone. Now it's time for me to go home and stare my phone. But with the TV on.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
I drink 8 glasses of water a day, but only after they've been heated, filtered through a Keurig pod full of grounds & poured into a mug.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.
"You're still a rockstar" I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and get in bed at 9:45.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don't have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
French toast is regular toast that surrendered.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I spent all day at work staring at my phone. Now it's time for me to go home and stare my phone. But with the TV on.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
I drink 8 glasses of water a day, but only after they've been heated, filtered through a Keurig pod full of grounds & poured into a mug.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.
"You're still a rockstar" I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and get in bed at 9:45.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don't have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
French toast is regular toast that surrendered.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Halloween Statuses
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah's Witnesses wondering why they're being given candy.
I'm not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your candy while you were in the bathroom.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me "for safe keeping".
I thought about dressing up as Turn Signal for Halloween, but nobody around here knows what that is............
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
For Halloween I'm going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
I'm not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your candy while you were in the bathroom.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me "for safe keeping".
I thought about dressing up as Turn Signal for Halloween, but nobody around here knows what that is............
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
For Halloween I'm going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Even More Love Quotes
“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
― Dr. Seuss
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”
― Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets
“There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.”
― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
― Lao Tzu
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
― Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
― Dr. Seuss
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”
― Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets
“There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.”
― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
― Lao Tzu
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
― Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Monday, March 2, 2015
Funny Status Updates
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away
Ironically the only way I'd watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
If the Government needs to hide top secret information the safest place would be after the skip in 5 seconds ads.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a motherfucker know.
Ironically the only way I'd watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
If the Government needs to hide top secret information the safest place would be after the skip in 5 seconds ads.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a motherfucker know.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Doctor Who Quotes
“Through crimson stars and silent stars and tumbling nebulas like oceans set on fire; through empires of glass and civilizations of pure thought, and a whole, terrible, wonderful universe of impossibilities. You see these eyes? They’re old eyes. And one thing I can tell you, Alex… Monsters are real.” – The Doctor
“When you wake up… I’ll be a story in your head. But that’s okay. We’re all stories, in the end… just make it a good one, eh? Because it was. It was the best.” – The Doctor
We all change, when you think about it. We’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s okay, that’s good, you’ve got to keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this. Not one day. I swear. I will always remember when the Doctor was me.” – The Doctor
“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” – The Doctor
“The universe is big. It’s vast and complicated and ridiculous. And sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles.”
— The Doctor
“You want weapons? We’re in a library! Books! The best weapons in the world!”
— The Doctor
“Amy Pond, there’s something you’d better understand about me ‘cause it’s important, and one day your life may depend on it: I am definitely a mad man with a box!”
— The Doctor
“When you wake up… I’ll be a story in your head. But that’s okay. We’re all stories, in the end… just make it a good one, eh? Because it was. It was the best.” – The Doctor
We all change, when you think about it. We’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s okay, that’s good, you’ve got to keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this. Not one day. I swear. I will always remember when the Doctor was me.” – The Doctor
“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” – The Doctor
“The universe is big. It’s vast and complicated and ridiculous. And sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles.”
— The Doctor
“You want weapons? We’re in a library! Books! The best weapons in the world!”
— The Doctor
“Amy Pond, there’s something you’d better understand about me ‘cause it’s important, and one day your life may depend on it: I am definitely a mad man with a box!”
— The Doctor
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