Halloween Funny

I want to be something really scary for Halloween. So this year, I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 3%.

Add 'sexy' to anything and it instantly becomes a female Halloween costume.

I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween

I'm not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.

I don't know what's scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.

Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal.

I'm surprised kids haven't found a way to trick or treat online yet.

Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.

Romantic Quotes

Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you.

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.

You can't blame gravity for falling in love.

Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.

True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. 

I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.

Valentine's Day Status Updates: Funny

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.


Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.

My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine's Day she’s getting a magazine rack.

Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.

If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.

I just wanted to tell you, on this very special Valentine’s Day: I’m exceptionally thankful you lowered your standards enough to date me.


Wants to remind you that nothing says "I love you" more than somebody else's words mass produced on re-cycled paper.


I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.